Tag Archives: anxiety

Not the War

I can’t breath. 

I can’t breath. 

This space is so small. 

Make it stop. 

The world is crushing me.

Everything, all the Earth’s energy, is closing in.

I can’t get out. This space is too small.

I can’t breath.

Please.

Make it stop.

Panic attacks. They’re not fun. If you’ve never had one count yourself lucky.

Today I had one for the first time in a long time. Well, a few months. For me that’s a success. It wasn’t a bad one. Well, they’re always bad… but I’ve seen much worse. 

It was one of those days where my anxiety was like a dog yanking on the leash to run ahead of the owner. All day I felt the edge ever present. It was what I call a 10 second day- a day where I use a trick I learned from Kimmy Schmidt. You break life down into more manageable time chunks… 10 seconds.

My will could only hold the leash for so long, because the anxiety dog was inevitably let loose at approximately 8:30 PM Eastern Standard Time as I was shampooing my hair. 

The long day of feeling like I was screwing everything up had caught up to me. The day where I feared parts of the future would be off alignment with what I had planned (something that seems so much worse than it actually is to an OCD riddled mind) had done its toll. The day of feeling overwhelmed had finally reached its peak, and due to some wonky brain chemistry that left me with an anxiety disorder- my body unnecessarily went into flight or fight mode. I had a panic attack.

Now, as I lay in bed trying to calm myself down as I write this, I feel disappointed in myself. I’m upset that I let my anxiety make my day worse than it needed to be, and made me act strange. I’m upset I had a panic attack today, when I’ve survived far more nerve-wracking situations unscathed. I’m upset that I’m not over it as I type this. 

It won. My anxiety won. And that, above all else, is what upsets me.

But, the more significance I give this loss, the more that anxiety’s victory is worth. I’m only human, I’m not going to win all the time. No matter how hard I try, there is only so much I can combat with medicine and coping mechanisms. I’m human, and therefore flawed and cracked. Through those cracks my anxiety might find an edge.

However, those cracks can be subsequently repaired, lessening in number over time. So long as I keep my healthy characteristics, and actively repair the cracks, I can’t crumble. If I don’t crumble- I’ve won the war. Who cares how many itty bitty cracks in strength my anxiety exploits to win a battle if I’m still standing and still fighting. 

So to my anxiety I say this: You won the battle today, but you haven’t won the war. I’ll see you tomorrow.